Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
