Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
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