I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
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