Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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