Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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