I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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