just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Randomize
