Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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