watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
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