ya dads aren't the best wingmen
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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