I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Farmville is her only friend.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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