goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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