Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
