i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
