He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
