I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
