I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
