hell yes lets make some ravioli
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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