Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
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Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
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