no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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