I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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