There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Randomize
