see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
