Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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