I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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