no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
