I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
