i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
