she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize