the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
