Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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