I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
