Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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