I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
