This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Randomize
