Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Holy sore nipples Batman
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?