My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?