So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
21 Of The Most Impressive Things Ever Seen In Porn
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
19 Parents Had Epic Reactions When Catching Their Kids Being “Bad”
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.