Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.