what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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