his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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