I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Randomize
