Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
