The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
