i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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