im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
