The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Randomize
