were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
soo... how was my night?
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
