I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I'm both gender and math confused
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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