as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
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Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
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How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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