Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
