I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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