Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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