She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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