I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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