im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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