You smell like a Billy Joel song
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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