you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Randomize
